I Said No, Hermione
by chosenpotter
Summary: Harry's just come out, and Hermione's bringing all these hot men into the common room to try and set him up. But what she doesn't know is that Harry is already taken...


"Are you taking the piss?"

Hermione looked a bit offended that Harry, of all people, would accuse her of doing such a thing as 'taking the piss'. Her intentions were always good. She was always honest and true.

"No, Harry James Potter, I am not taking the piss." she snapped, crossing her arms. "I'm helping you out."

Harry groaned, draping a hand over his eyes. He didn't need Hermione interfering! Especially not in this situation.

"Hermione, I don't _need_ help." he said, not daring to look at her. "I've got this all figured out, thank you very much."

All this just because Harry had officially come out of the closet yesterday. And now Hermione, trying to be helpful, was most certainly not being helpful. And it wasn't like he could actually tell her the truth of this whole matter.

"Harry." Hermione said, gently removing his hand from his eyes. "Listen. This is a good thing. I want to help you find someone sweet and nice that's perfect for you. And this is exactly how."

"Are you even in your right mind?!" Harry exclaimed. "How does inviting all the gay men in our year and the one below to come to the common room help me find someone to date? That's the most idiotic-"

Hermione put her hands on her hips. "There's no use arguing, because it's already in motion."

Harry put his head in his hands. This was going to spiral out of control, and he knew it. But there was no stopping it now.

"H-Hi, H-Harry."

The brunette boy sitting in front of Harry looked a bit uncomfortable, but he gave Harry a nervous smile and adjusted his Hufflepuff robes.

"Hi, um," Harry glanced down at the paper in his hands. "Hi, Denny. It says here you play Chaser on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team?"

Denny perked up. "Yeah! We won our last match against Slytherin."

Harry nodded and pretended to make a note on his paper. "Okay. Cool. So...you like Quidditch?"

"It's my favorite sport. My team is the Appleby Arrows." Denny said, seeming much more comfortable. "How about you?"

"Ah, erm..." Harry hesitated. "I don't really have a team. I've never really watched professional Quidditch. My best friend is a huge Cannons fan, though."

"The Cannons?" Denny made a face. "Ew. I hate them, they're one of the worst in the league."

Harry scowled, crossing his arms. "I don't like them that much, but that was rude."

Denny seemed to realize his mistake. "Oh! I didn't mean-"

"Sorry, Denny, but I'm afraid we won't be compatible." Harry gave him a fake smile. "So sorry. Now, please leave."

Denny screwed up his face like he was going to cry, then ran out of the portrait hole.

Hermione walked in a second later.

"What did you do?" she demanded. "Denny looked like he was going to cry!"

"He insulted the Cannons." Harry said stubbornly, and Hermione sighed.

"Alright. Fine. I'll send in the next one."

Harry sunk down in his seat with a groan as Hermione walked back out. This was going to be a _long_ afternoon.

"Potter. Move your head."

Harry yawned, his head flopping to the side. He was exhausted.

" _Potter!_ I said _move!_ "

Harry cried out as a sharp blow was delivered to the back of his head, twisting around in his seat to glare at Draco.

"Fuck off. I'm tired." he snapped.

"But I can't see, your stupid head is in the way." Draco replied, leaning back in his seat. "How am I expected to take notes?"

"I don't know, you could move to a different seat?" Harry said sarcastically.

 _And it's partly your fault I'm so tired,_ he finished in his head.

"I would, but I've got a nice view. I'm not giving that up." Draco teased, poking Harry in the back.

"You can see me any old time, in case you've forgotten." Harry retorted, sliding down in his seat.

Draco patted Harry on the top of his head with his quill, then started writing on his parchment.

Harry rolled his eyes and smirked, returning his attention to Professor Binns.

Harry stretched out in his favorite alcove, hidden away from the rest of the school. And from Hermione's crazy antics.

"There you are. I've been looking for you."

Harry startled, slowly looking around so he could see the speaker. But he relaxed when he realized it was only Draco.

"Oh, it's you." he said. "I just needed to get away from everyone for awhile."

"Even me?" Draco asked, squeezing into the alcove across from him, pressing the bottom of his school shoes against Harry's.

"Well...I wasn't really thinking of you. Hermione's getting out of hand. I had to get away." Harry sighed, looking out the window.

Draco reached out a hand and rubbed one of Harry's kneecaps. "Want to talk about it?"

Harry paled. "Ah, erm...no, not particularly."

Draco couldn't know. Draco could _never_ know what Hermione was doing. He'd lose his shit completely, and Harry didn't want to be on the receiving end. (Which he assumed he would be, because life just liked to fuck with him constantly).

And one of the blokes, Harry thought his name was Daniel, had a really nice arse. And Draco could _definitely_ never know that.

"Oh." Draco seemed a bit disappointed. "You always tell me everything, though. What's the matter?"

"I just...I don't want to talk about it." Harry replied, putting his hand over Draco's. "It's nothing personal."

 _And you'd definitely flip your lid._

"Fine. Whatever." Draco huffed, standing up. "I'll be here if you need me, then."

"Wait! Malfoy, don't-"

But Draco had already left, and Harry sighed. He just couldn't win today.

"Alright!" Hermione said brightly to the three men before her. "You have been called back because Harry has taken an interest in you."

The three men looked between each other, looking excited and nervous at the same time.

"Now," Hermione continued, "each of you will go into that room and try and convince Harry why you should have his heart. Understood?"

"Question." Daniel said, shifting a bit. "If we lose, what happens?"

Hermione shrugged. "Nothing, I guess. You just go back to your lives."

"I'll go first." Alexander said, bouncing on his toes.

"I want to go!" Thomas argued.

"No way, I'm going first." Daniel snapped, heading for the door.

But the door opened before he could get there, and Harry stood in the doorway.

"Hermione...guys..." he said nervously. "I can't do this. I'm sorry. I really am."

Then he walked off, leaving Hermione and the three men gaping behind him.

"It's okay, Harry." Hermione said to him at breakfast the next morning. "We can try again, it's okay if you didn't like them."

"Hermione, stop." Harry said impatiently. "I don't want you to decide anything for me, I can do it myself."

"I'm just trying to help-"

"Oi!" Ron said from beside them. "What's Malfoy doing?"

Draco was clambering up to stand on top of the Slytherin table, holding a goblet in his hand.

"Attention!" he shouted, banging his fork on the goblet until the Hall went silent. "I have an announcement!"

Harry gulped visibly. He had no idea what Draco was about to do, but yet he felt nervous.

"I, Draco Malfoy, am gay." Draco said proudly, gazing around the Hall. "But that, my fellow students, is not all."

"Like _that_ wasn't obvious." Ron muttered. "With all the preening he does."

"Shush! I want to hear what else he has to say." Hermione scolded.

Harry slid lower and lower in his seat. No. This couldn't be happening, Draco wasn't this idiotic.

"I am, in fact, dating someone in this very room!" Draco announced, causing everyone to look around in wonder.

"Oh! I wonder who it is?" Hermione said thoughtfully. "What do you think, Harry? Harry?"

Harry was nearly sitting on the floor, only the top of his head visible. Hermione grabbed the back of his collar and pulled him upright.

"Please, if my boyfriend would stand up?" Draco asked, looking towards the Gryffindor table. "Or I'll come get him myself."

Hermione gazed at Harry, whose face was burning red like a ripe tomato. She put a hand to her mouth, putting two and two together.

"Harry...please tell me-"

But she was interrupted by Draco jumping down from the Slytherin table and striding across the Hall, pulling Harry out of his seat when he reached the Gryffindor table.

Harry was absolutely mortified as Draco started snogging him passionately right there in the middle of the Hall, groping his arse and stroking a hand through his hair.

There was an immediate uproar, and Draco led Harry towards the doors.

"Come on." he whispered. "Let's get out of here, Potter."

Harry nodded and allowed himself to be led out.

He knew he'd have to deal with this later.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Hermione asked, gazing up at the sky. "I would've understood."

"Would you? _Really?_ " Harry sarcastically asked, shifting his head a bit in Draco's lap. "I doubt that."

Hermione smacked his head, going back to reading her book. "Don't get snarky with me."

"But really, mate?" Ron asked incredulously, like he still couldn't believe it. "Malfoy of all people?"

"I'm right here, Weasley." Draco said in a sing-song voice. "And to be honest, I was the one who sought him out."

"Huh." Ron said, picking at a blade of grass. "Never would've thought."

"Well...I do like to _dominate._ "

"Eurgh! I do not want to hear about your sex life!"

Harry started laughing, covering his mouth. He was glad that Ron and Hermione were sort-of getting along with Draco.

For once in his life, everything was as it should be.

"So, does Malfoy know that Hermione was setting you up on dates?" Ron asked.

"Wait...what?" Draco said, suddenly alert.

"Yeah, Harry said that Daniel, that bloke from Ravenclaw, had a hot arse."

" _What?!_ "

Harry gulped and sat up, trying to wriggle away across the grass. But Draco was having none of it.

"Potter! Get back here right _now!_ "

Well...Harry's life wasn't exactly perfect.

But everything was _mostly_ as it should be.


End file.
